Nail Salons

If I want an eyebrow or lip wax, I’ll tell you.  It’s insulting when you ask, b/c I’m living under the illusion that I don’t need anything waxed. It’s nice over here in the land of denial.  And clearly, you are living in denial as well- when you name your salon “USA Nail” and yet you can’t say one word in English. Or perhaps you can, you just find it more fun to talk about my eyebrows and lips in another language to your co-workers and then glance up at me with a cheeky grin.  What are you doing looking at my eyebrows anyways? Aren’t I paying you to paint my nails?

 

18 Weeks

Um, nobody told me my belly was already this big!?!?!?!

18 Weeks!

Adventures in Pre-Parenthood

This afternoon Trey and I were enjoying a nice lunch after church when I realized we were in the same parking lot as a Baby’s-R-Us.  Naturally, as this pregnancy is becoming more real to me (pants getting tighter, cups overflowing (sorry Dad), constantly on the lookout for fetal movement), I’m getting more and more excited about browsing for baby stuff.  I’ve bought a couple of maternity clothing items, but have yet to brave the aisles of Baby’s-R-Us… until today.  I don’t know if anyone else has had experiences like this, but I have to share what our first trip to baby’s-r-us was like (much like our first attempt at registering for our wedding).

*This is a how I remember it*

Kelly (at lunch with a big innocent grin): Hey, we’re in the same parking lot as Baby’s R Us… wanna go walk around for a few minutes and look at big stuff like strollers, cribs, etc.??

Trey: Awwwwww, seeeriouslyyyyyy? We’re not going to buy anything, why would we go walk around for no reason?

Kelly: So we can get some ideas, see what we like, get a feel for how much stuff costs, etc…

Trey: But I hate shopping. Please, don’t make me go.

Kelly: Oh come on, I promise I won’t want to buy anything, and we can set a time limit.

Trey: 10 minutes.

Kelly: 20.

Trey: Ughhhhhhh.

5 minutes later we walk into the store, and Trey answers a phone call from Will.

Kelly (overwhelmed by the amount of strollers staring back at her): Wow, this is overwhelming.

Trey (on the phone): “Dude, I know. My fantasy team is so awesome. I really need Frank Gore to score me a lot of points and I’m going to crush Nate.”

Kelly (patiently whispering): Trey, please get off the phone so we can talk about this stuff.

Trey (still on phone): “Man, I know. Fantasy is the most awesome thing ever. I haven’t had a chance to check if Calvin Johnson is playing b/c I’m out at a very manly store picking up something very macho.”

Kelly (less patiently whisper-talking): Trey, seriously. Please.

Trey: “Alright dude, I’ll talk to you later.”  (to me) Sorry, that was very important. (eyes bulge out of head) Strollers cost over $200!?!?! (sweat beads begin to form on forehead)

Kelly: Yeah looks like some of them are. There’s so many to choose from. Let’s walk down this aisle… pack-n-plays.

Trey: Let’s just get one of these and then we won’t even need to buy a crib. We can just use this.

Kelly: Keep dreaming.

Trey: You have 5 minutes remaining.

Kelly: Oh good Lord, let’s look at the crib/dresser sets and see if we like certain colors/styles.

Trey: (shoulder shrug) I like whatever’s the cheapest.

Kelly: Shocking… (slowly strolling through the furniture section, daydreaming about what it’ll be like to actually have a nursery and our child sleeping in a crib like one of these, lullaby music playing in my head, birds are singing, the sun is shining… bubble bursts:

Trey: $300!?!?! For a crib? Ugh.. baby’s are so expensive. Your time is almost up.

Kelly: Ok let me just look at the gliders.  I would really love to have one of these plush chairs, but I know it’s probably not practical b/c the gliders are much cheaper. (I proceed to sit in one or two to test them out.)

Trey: Yeah, b/c that other chair we bought gets used so often.

Kelly: Yeah, maybe you’re right. We should just not buy any furniture for our house or for our child. It makes total sense to buy a nice house and then put no effort/money into furnishing it and making it a home. All we really need is a tv, computer, and a fantasy football team.

Trey: Thank you! I knew you’d understand someday. Time’s up.

Kelly (on way back to car): Fine, I’ll come back with my mom. But I don’t understand how you can be so unenthusiastic about this.  This is our first baby we’re shopping/planning for.

Trey: It just doesn’t feel real yet.

Kelly: Well it’s going to BE very real in about 5 months, and we need to be prepared before then.

Trey (in car): Yeah, ok.  Hey, will you text Nate on my phone and tell him I’m going to destroy him in Fantasy today? I feel so confident about my team.  You’re lucky to be married to such a Fantasy Football giant.

Kelly (groans and rolls eyes): Ugh. I’ll never understand you.

Trey: Yeah, you either.

Top Tens Part 2-Things I Love

Due to technical difficulties (a girl fight complete with everything except the actual punching/slapping that occurred in my classroom in the middle of 2nd period yesterday), I was mentally/emotionally unable to complete the 10 Things I Love About my Job yesterday.  But here it goes!

10. Fridays. I’ve made it to the end of the week, I’m still alive, and I’m wearing jeans. Boo-yeah.

9. My co-workers.  Since I started working at my current school, I have felt so blessed to have such a great department to work in.  Everyone is so supportive of each other, enjoys each others company, and gets along really well.  The only problem is, we don’t have enough time to hang out!

8. Purpose. Although I spent a good deal of time a few days ago complaining about my job (I’m not proud of that), one thing I am grateful for is I constantly feel like I have a sense of purpose at my job.  I’ve had my share of meaningless jobs where I felt like I was contributing nothing valuable to society (Would you like a lemon in your tea? Mayo and Mustard? How many copies do you need? Boss lady, phone call on line 1).  Teaching gives me a chance to make a real difference.  While most days don’t feel purposeful, nor are they glamorous or necessarily exciting… at the end of the day, if I really force myself to think positively about my job, I feel like I have the opportunity every day to change something or someone for the better.  Rarely do I see those changes take place in front of my eyes, but I trust that over time I’m somehow influencing the lives of at least a few of the 400 or so students I’ve taught in the past 3 years.  And that makes it worth it.

7. Test Days.  There’s nothing better than the 55 minutes of quiet in which students for once are all diligently working.

6. Stories like this that keep you humble and remind  you that you aren’t as awesome as you sometimes start to think you are (re-posted from a previous blog 1 1/2 years ago): High school kids are really good at turning normal, totally unperverted comments into something very perverted and immature. However, this week I didn’t need any help embarrassing myself. We’ve been on crazy testing schedules lately, with the Ga High School graduation test right before Spring Break, and the Gateway Writing test this week… so we’re all going a little crazy with the long block periods and 3 hours of proctoring. One morning this week before the writing test I’m trying to corral all the lost 10th graders into their correct testing locations. One of my male students was mackin’ hard on these 2 girls in the hallway who needed to come in my room for the test. As he’s giving one a hug and saying his goodbyes I decide to hurry up the love fest so we can get going with passing out the test. Now, let me just ask you what you would call students who are about to take a test? Probably something like “testers,” or “test-takers,” or anything normal and logical like that, I’d assume. Not me… no sir; I decide to say the following (for all the world to hear): “John,* hurry up, you’re holding up my testees!” Let me just tell you, I did not stick around long enough to see or hear anyone’s reactions. If I could have grabbed those words mid-air and jammed them back down my throat, I assure you I would have. But no, instead I told a male student he was holding up my (a female’s) testees….
Awesome.

5. “Ooohhhh, I get it..” moments.  As teachers. we work really hard trying to teach our students all kinds of stuff throughout the year.  Usually I get blank stares or crickets chirping through the silence when I ask my classes if they understand the current topic at hand.  But every once in a while, you can tell the light bulb finally turns on, and the class (or a student) finally “gets it,” and you can feel the energy in the room.  Those are the rewarding moments that remind me that even if it takes a while sometimes, they can learn and they will learn and it will be good.

4. Former students. I love it when my former students stop by to say hello and catch up on life. My current students have to come to my class or I write them up for AWOL.  But when old students come by of their own free will b/c they actually want to say hi, that makes your heart feel good. (Although now they all come by for “belly checks”… to see if my belly is growing and double-check that I’ll be naming my child after them.)

3. Of Mice and Men.  I love teaching this book. The story, the conversations we can have through the context/lens of this novel, the way the kids respond to it, and the learning experience it is for me every year.

2. Students. There are plenty of days that my students (certain ones) make it really difficult to love them, but in general they’re the reason I go to work every day. They’re crazy, immature, irresponsible, funny, sometimes rude, full of excuses, hormonal, and live in a world that revolves around them… but they’re so in need of unconditional love, respect, and patience, and they love you back for it (even if they don’t always show it).

1. Summer. Need I say more.  (Perhaps it defeats the whole purpose if my #1 thing I love about my job is when I’m not there for 2 months?…)

What do you love about your job??

Top Tens

I’m at a loss for things to blog about lately… but hate it when other people never update their blogs.  In honor of Trey, who sent me a card at work recently that was filled with “The 10 Things I Hate About You” (Don’t worry- it was really funny and the point of it was that all those things only made him love me more. Sorry, cheesy moment.), I thought I’d list the top ten things I HATE and LOVE about my job (things I love to come tomorrow).

Top 10 Things I HATE about  my job:

10.  Due Dates. No matter how much warning students have about a paper or project being due, they inevitably come flying into class like a freaking hurricane wanting to know if they can print their paper off the student printer, or get a pass to the library to print their projects out, or with some lame excuse about what happened last night that was so tragic they couldn’t get their assignment done even though they had a WEEK prior to last night to get it done. My response- Oh man, your life sucks. Turn it in tomorrow for a late grade. Now go away.

9. Meetings. Faculty Meetings, Teaming Meetings, In-Service Meetings, Parent-Teacher conferences,  the list goes on and on. I won’t bore you with this one b/c the meetings are boring and worthless enough for the both of us.

8. 5:30 AM.  Yes, I get up in the 5’s every morning and get to school by 6:30 so I can fake being a morning person by 7:10 when 1st period starts.  I’m pretty sure my first period students could tell you I don’t fake it well.  In fact, I’m downright cranky until about 9:30.

7. Ignorant Parents.  Every year since I started teaching (all 2 1/2 years) I have had some crazy experiences with parents who forget that I’m a human being who gets paid crap to put up with their crap b/c I have NO power. My all time favorite parent email (here are a few lines I saved just to laugh at when I’m feeling bad; names have been changed, typos have not):  “I find your situation laughable! Rediclous! ABsurd and some how you are just as responsible as Tom for the problem with motivation. It’s your class. It’s your reputation. You have the power to fail Tom. I am tired of dealing with it. Tom LOVES LA (he says he likes you) and he LOVES music. So whatever is happening in the 40 minutes a day you two (me and orchestra teacher…)have him is a mystery to me… It’s like complaining about Hemmingway not wanting to pass LA or the Beattles just don’t like Orchstra. I see genuis inTom whenit coems to these subjects.”

6. The Workload. I know we all feel like we’re overworked and in way over our heads. But from August 1 through May 30 I would give my right breast (ok both breasts, they’re a nuisance anyways) to have a day where I felt like I was caught up on work, there was nothing to grade/plan, or I didn’t generally feel like I was drowning in a sea of ungraded papers and emails and textbooks.

5. Post-work Work.  Another thing I envy about many other jobs is that when you come home from work, you are home and no longer working (for example, my husband).  There are very few days that I don’t bring my work home with me… grading, planning, the emotional stresses of dealing with teenagers and their parents, the stresses some of my students deal with that I end up carrying on my back, etc.

4. Essays.  All I gotta say is grading essays is about as much fun as chewing on toe-nails.

3. Laziness and Utter Lack of Care/Motivation.  Case in point: My lowest level class (and when I say low, I mean reaaaaally low) had a project due today. They had to make a mask to represent one of the main characters from Oedipus the King and present it to the class. Out of 29 students, 6 were absent, and 10 had no project. That left 13 students prepared for class (less than 50%), of which maybe 3-4 actually presented a decent mask.

2. Testing. I can’t even say much about this without getting all hot and flushed and having to plug my ears so steam doesn’t come out.  But I’ll just leave it at the fact that in my county, from the time students are in 9-12 grade, they take no less than 8 standardized tests (that doesn’t include the county mandated mid-terms/finals that are total crap), and that’s only if they pass them all the first time around.  So basically, I spend the majority of my time teaching to a dang test.

1. Disrespect. If I never hear the words, “man, I din do nuthin’…” or “that ain’t fair” or “it wasn’t me” or the murmur of conversation while I’m teaching or talking to the class… again, something I’d give both breasts for.

**If you feel totally depressed after reading this, please come back tomorrow for the 10 Things I LOVE About My Job.

Top Searches *Update and 14 weeks!!

Apparently I’m still getting some very interesting visitors to this blog as a result of their less-than-boring google searches and my less-than-appropriate blog topics.

Someone searched for “fatkid mayfield” this weekend and was led to my blog.  All I gotta say is– they better not have actually been searching for me or my blog with “fatkid mayfield.” True or not, that would still hurt a little.

Others that happened upon my blog  searched for “puppies farting” and “puked her guts out.”  I think it’s official, I need to start blogging about something else. Maybe post-nasal drip? Diarrhea? Scabs? No?

In other news, I’m now in my 15th week of pregnancy (14 weeks and 2 days).  Morning sickness is pretty much totally gone and although still tired, I do feel like my energy is coming back.  I’ve definitely noticed a change in how my pants fit in the past week (seems like in the past few days it happened) but can still wear my normal clothes.  My waistline is feeling fuller and there’s a slowly developing bump (more like a rolling hill) below my belly button.  One of these days I’ll take a picture to post for those of you who care.  I’m definitely getting more and more anxious to find out whether we’re having a boy or a girl and constantly trying to feel if the baby is moving.  I know it’s a little early to feel movement, but it’s so fascinating to me that in a matter of weeks I’ll feel another human life INSIDE me. I can’t wait to experience that.

I have also become significantly more emotional (ok, more like a complete basket-case).  This morning, Trey and I were flipping through channels on tv before we got out of bed for church and we ended up watching this music video by Mallary Hope.  Neither of us had ever heard of this girl or song before so we started watching and immediately realized it was a very sad song about a woman trying to move on after her husband’s passing. Within minutes I was legitimately crying and trying not to make any sniffing noises so Trey wouldn’t make fun of me.  But very quickly the secret cry turned into a full- blown ugly cry.  You know what I’m talking about– nobody looks cute or even human at this stage of crying. Tears pouring down my face, trying to smile/talk through it so I won’t be found out… but that makes it even worse and I can’t even see anymore and my mouth won’t close and no words will come out without sounding like “i (breathe breathe) caaahhn’t w-w-watch this (sob breathe) anym-m-more. ” Pregnant women- beware- if you watch this music video, grab a box of tissues.

Swine Flu Vaccine?

Since I got pregnant I’ve been debating what to do about getting a flu shot and the swine flu shot… My doctor sort of ignored dismissed settled my concerns by saying “you need to get them both.”  That was the first time I’d ever met that Dr. though so I wanted a second opinion.  I’ve had other friends hear from midwives to not get the H1N1 virus as there’s been no research done on it’s effects on unborn fetuses (fetusi? sounds weird…).  I still haven’t decided what to do and feel very uneasy about the whole thing.  With the big debate right now about certain vaccines being linked to autism and other disabilities, it makes me  very nervous to get vaccines while pregnant.  At the same time, I understand that being pregnant my immune system is down and I am more susceptible to catching the flu/swine flu, which could be very dangerous for the baby.  A co-worker that’s due one day after me said she’s been looking for the vaccine without “thimerosal,” which is the preservative linked with autism.  The vaccine without thimerosal is in very high demand and short supply however.  Ugh… I don’t know what to do and flu season is in full swing!  Any advice? I’m still researching all of this, so if you know something I clearly don’t, please pass it along.

On a lighter note– Millie the Mountain Dog…

Don’t be deceived by the innocent, and exhausted look… she’s full-on trouble.  But we like her.

I’d like to file a complaint.

Ok, maybe I have a few complaints.

1. Chick-fil-a.  I love you so dearly. But why, oh WHY when I ask for extra pickles on my chick-fil-a sandwich do you give me ONE extra?!?!?!?  If I wanted ONE extra pickle, I would be the moron who ordered “one chick-fil-a sandwich with one extra pickle please.”  And you know what, you’d do it to b/c it’d be your pleasure.  I like it much better when you try to stick it to me by piling a pickle mountain on my sandwich. I guess I’ll have to start ordering a sandwich with an extra pickle mound.

2. Camilo. The dog three houses down.  I hate you.  What is it about my backyard that makes it your dumping ground? And why can’t your owners ever pay attention when they let you outside.  And why do you always show up when I’m taking my dog out to crap, in which case she gets sucked into your perverted game of chase and mount (she’s officially barren Camilo, move on).  And then when your owners finally get a freaking clue and send their 7 and 3 year old non-English speaking children out to chase you down, I have to smile and humor them for 10 minutes while they basically throw Millie (my puppy) around like a rag doll. It’s a wonder Millie has survived unscathed this long with you nearby Camilo. Idiot.

3. Baby in my Belly.  What is up with making me nauseous for 3 months and then starving me to death all the sudden.  I’m serious. I think I will starve to death today. I ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a PB&J and apple for lunch an hour and a half later, a cup of soup 2 hours later, stopped for a Chick-fil-a Sandwich with one extra pickle (see above) and a small fry on my way home from work, and it’s now been 45 minutes and I can hear my stomach growling again. Seriously, baby fetus, embryo, whatever you are.. you are the size of a peach.  How can you have such an overwhelming affect on my body? I wish I had a peach to eat right now. Ugh.

4. Students.  I know you don’t care about school, my class, grades, homework, tests, etc.  Duh, your drama with your bffl is waaaaay more important so you can like, figure out why your bffl is so p.o.’ed and work it out before you go shopping for homecoming dresses this weekend so you can get in another fight over who’s going to buy the pink sparkly dress so you can impress your crush of the week and then like, maybe he’ll kiss you. Ugh. I swear, why did I spend 2, count em TWO, weeks reading the Iliad aloud, lecturing about Achilles and his rage, only to have you ask me the day before the test, during the review, “Who’s Archilles?” Done. Good Luck on your Test.

5. Fantasy Football.  Why must you possess my husband for 8 months of the year.  Yes, I know football season only lasts for about 6 months, but Trey spends the 2 months prior to football season researching players and teams, drafting strategies, and participating in mock drafts.  And most of his waking hours are spent talking Fantasy strategy on the phone with Will Gifford (yes, I’m calling you out), listening to Fantasy podcasts, reading articles about players, teams and God knows what else, offering trades, drafting the perfect post for the message board, not to mention watching every NFL game our TV plays, etc…. And you’re telling me it’s only week 5? Boooo.

I’m sorry for complaining. I feel a little better. But seriously, ONE pickle?

Top Searches… a little disconcerting.

Ok, normally no one EVER finds my little pathetic blog by doing google searches.  But apparently my disgusting post yesterday opened up a whole new world of blog readers.  Let me just share with you the “top searches” that have lead people to my blog in the last 24 hours…

1. “i was pregnant when i got married”… ok, this is a little concerning b/c I was not pregnant when I got married, but nevertheless, I hope this person found what they were looking for?

2. “babies throwing while going poop”… once again, my concern level rises.  My first question is, what exactly is this person’s baby throwing? And why are they doing it while going poop?  I can pretty much guarantee that this poor google searcher found much more than they were looking for when they were taken to my post about dog poop and burrito barf.

And lastly, and quite frankly, my favorite:

3. “poop comes out when I throw up”… I must admit, when I saw this one I started laughing so hard that my husband asked from the other room what I was laughing about.  All I could think about was some poor, innocent person typing into the google search bar “poop comes out when I throw up.”  Talk about a bad day.  But I mean, was this person hoping for sympathy… like the first result would say “You poop when you throw up? Man, that totally sucks.  You should get that checked out.”  This person probably should get that checked out.  By a Doctor.  NOT Google.  And certainly not my blog.  But I’m also sure this person never expected anyone else to see what they typed into google in the privacy of their own home.  Innocent reader, if you every find your way back here, I’m sorry for teasing.  And I hope you are feeling much better. I certainly am.

Poop and Throw-Up

**WARNING– Do not read if you have a weak stomach or don’t want to read about dog crap and human barf.

I have been very blessed these first 12 weeks of pregnancy to only experience very mild morning (all day) sickness.  I’ve only had to throw up a couple of times, and it usually passes as soon as I eat something and settle my stomach.  Compared to some of my friends and people I’ve heard about, I think I’ve had it pretty easy in the nausea category.  However , today was a different story, for a different reason.

(warning warning warning– here’s where it gets gross)

When I got home from work today, after two days home sick with a nasty cold and after a quick stop at Taco Bell to get a bean-cheese burrito for an after school snack, I went to let our puppy Millie out of her crate for her usual post-work I haven’t seen a human being in 8 hours and so I’m going to run and jump like I’ve been caged for 7 years and this is the first time I’ve seen sunshine and grass freak-out.  But as I made my way up the stairs to our bedroom I began to smell it. Crap. Literally.  For the first time since school started back 2 months ago she took a dump in her crate. She never does this! Never! (Don’t get me wrong, she used to, but she grew out of that…)  So I immediately took her outside, notice that it’s still caked on her butt and on her paws and I start to realize there might be more crap than I thought there was in the crate.  So, trying to be a good person and not always expect Trey to clean up the crap messes, I decided to go get the crate and bring it outside to survey the damage and possibly clean it out.  The minute I got the top off and moved one piece of towel over, it was all downhill from there.  The size.  Oh good Lord. And the smell.  I mean, you can’t even imagine.  My dog pooped her weight in crap. And I just looked right at it.  So there I am, pacing around the backyard, gagging, breathing out of a nostril (the other is totally stopped up at the moment) trying to get control of myself, and before I can even figure out what to do, my taco-bell burrito was looking for a new home. In my yard.  That’s right- I was on my hands and knees  in my grass barfing up my burrito.  The first thought that went through my head was, ” Trey is going to come home to find his pregnant wife dead in a pool of her own burrito barf, and his dog feasting on it. Poor guy.” But, once I realized I was not going to die from choking on the cheese coming out the wrong way, I realized how ridiculous this whole scene would have looked to someone passing by.  A grown woman on all fours puking her guts out in her grass while her “innocent” dog sits next to her, cocking her head back and forth trying to figure out why the tables have turned.  I’m sure she’s thinking, “You always yell at me when I eat wood and leaves in the backyard and then puke on your couch.  Now look who’s barfing in my yard!”

So, in the 20 minutes after I got home from work, I had tried to clean up dog dump, puked my guts out in the yard, bathed the dog, fed the dog, cleaned up my puke (miraculously without puking again), and left the crate of crap outside for my patient and strong-stomached husband.

I suppose in some sick way this is good practice for parenthood… I can just see it now– me, changing a diaper or cleaning up throw up while gagging my brains out and praying Trey will offer to do it for me.  I’ve heard that when it’s your own kid, the body fluids don’t gross you out as  much as when it’s someone else’s kid.  I sure hope so or I’m a gonner.

** I apologize if you made it to the end of this post and are wondering why in the heck you kept reading.  I’m sorry.  I don’t really know why I felt the need to share such nastiness with you. Please come back anyways. I promise I won’t write about burrito barf anymore.