On different pages…

Has this happened to any other parents out there??

I walk into the living room to find Kaden teetering on top of the ottoman, dangerously close to falling into the bookshelves, while Trey is poised across the room from him about to nail him with a balloon or ball of some sort.

Me: HEY!?! Kaden! Sit down! TREY?!

Trey: What?

Me: What??? You mean, the sight of Kaden standing on that ottoman ready to take a ball to the face didn’t strike you as the least bit dangerous (or stupid).

Trey: Eh… he’s a boy.

Me: We are also his parents and our job is to at least try to keep our kids from needing to visit the E.R.

Trey: Not it’s not… that’s not in the Bible.

Me: (incredulous silence)

Trey: He’s fine. He’s having fun.

Me: Yeah, until he takes down that side table with his face and takes a lamp to the head.

Trey: Eh… he’s tough. What are the chances of that happening?

Me: I give up. I’m tired of scolding him (and you) today.

Trey: Me too.  That’s why I’m just not.


Anatomy 101

Today while I was trying to get Kaden to go #2 on the potty the following conversation took place:

Kaden: This is hurting my butt (points to penis)… what’s this called? (still pointing to penis)

Me: It’s called a penis buddy.

Kaden: Oh. It’s my penis. You have a penis?

Me: No, buddy.

Kaden: You have a butt in your bottom.

Me: No, girls have a vagina.

Kaden: No… it’s like a gina…

Me: (leaves the bathroom before dying laughing in an attempt to avoid the near constant repetition of the words penis and vagina for the next 4 weeks b/c it made mommy laugh one time)

Bedtime Prayers

One of my favorite times with my 2 year old is when we sit and pray and sing songs in his room right before he goes to bed.  The lights are out, the day is done, and it’s my chance to just soak up his innocence and sweetness since he spends the rest of the day going full speed ahead.  Lately his bedtime prayers are pretty much verbatim as follows: “Dear Dod, tank you for my mommydaddy (one word), my baby sister, my wowipop, my cooookie, tank you for my jeh-wee bean, tank you for my Caillou and Rosie and Caillou’s mommydaddy…”  And then usually lollipop and jelly bean are thrown in again for good measure (even though he most likely did not even have a lollipop, jelly bean, or cookie that day).

Tonight he kept wanting to take turns praying and I figured out in the end that he was trying to remember what I was praying so he could steal it for his prayer… b/c his last prayer before I cut off the bedtime-postponing-prayer marathon was “Dear Dod, tank you for my wonderful son Mommy.”

Other funny moments from tonight’s bedtime:

Me: Alright buddy, let’s sing one more song and then it’s time for bed.

Kaden: Wait a second. Wait. a. second. I got a idea. What’s my idea? (pause) I take a nap.

Me: Uh, no… you are going to bed.  For the night. All night.

Kaden: Uh… take a bath?

Me: Nope. We forgot to do that tonight didn’t we.

Kaden: Ha! Yeah… ote ote ote opples and banonos… hahahaha.

(I wish I could be a fly on the wall of the stream of consciousness going on in his mind.)

Me: Good night buddy. I love you so much.

Kaden: I love you too mommy. I love thiiiis high (arms reaching to the sky).  I love you thiiiiiis fat (arms reaching out to the side).

Me: (puzzled look)… hey, wait a minute.

Overheard through the monitor seconds after leaving him in his bed:  “Ride ’em cowboy! Ride ’em cowboy! Tooo the rescue!”

Oh to be a 2 year old boy… 🙂

2 year old help…

I went upstairs for 2 minutes and Kaden decided Molly needed a “few” more puffs… Like, the entire new container of puffs.


Actual conversations with my 2 year old (26 months) in the past couple of days:


Me: Good morning buddy, why’d you wake up crying??

Kaden: Cookie Monster eating ME!!!!

(my best guess is he woke up to a nightmare about being eaten by Cookie Monster… he was pretty distraught and it was hard not to laugh!)


Me: (wondering why Kaden is looking at me with a guilty look after picking something up off the floor and now chewing/swallowing) What are you eating buddy?

Kaden: (shoulder shrug)

Me: Kaden! What did you just put in your mouth?

Kaden: A bug.

Me: Seriously? What kind of bug?

Kaden: A worm…

(I still don’t know if I believe him…)


Me: (while changing his diaper this morning) Did you have any good dreams last night?

Kaden: Yes Mommy.

Me: What’d you dream about?

Kaden: Jesus loves me.  🙂

4. My favorite…

Kaden: I love you so much mommy.

Me: I love you too buddy.

Kaden: No, I love you mommy.

Me: Well, I love you more.

Kaden: I love you to the moon.

Me: I love you thiiiiis much.

Kaden: I love you so most! the mostest the mostest….

Me: you win 😉

your 2 year old tells your 6 month old things like “Knock it off Molly. My toys. Yes Ma’am? Otay Molly? Yes Ma’am?”

you pick up your kids from the gym daycare, and the haggard look on the worker’s faces when they hand your baby back to you is enough to make you reconsider ever stepping foot in there again (if they don’t ban you first).

you let your 2 year old eat popcorn for lunch at Target (and he doesn’t choke and die. Take that Am. Academy of Peds).

while browsing in the shoe section at Target you lose your grip on a pair of boots and the toe of one of them nails your 6 month old in the forehead.

after calming said 6 month old down after the blow to the face, you pinch her arm in the baby bjorn while trying to fasten her back in.

instead of taking her out to comfort her again, you tell your 2 year old to sing her a song and he begins with his best rap rendition of “tinkle tinkle.”

you buy your 2 year old water guns. b/c he’s a boy. and that’s what boys do. they shoot things.

you fill up said water gun after returning home and sit down in the backyard and take a deep breath while holding 6 month old on your lap so she doesn’t wake the neighborhood with her yelling.

you look away for 2 seconds.

you look back to see your 2 year old has launched a full-scale water gun attack on the baby’s face.

you laugh.

you make a PB&J for your 2 year old hoping he’ll eat a few bites of something besides popcorn and while nursing 6 month old on the couch, the 2 year old starts whining that “the fly take my samwich” and you tell him to hurry up and eat it then before the fly gets the rest of it or takes a big fly poop on it.

you collapse on the couch once both kids are sound asleep and you’ve finally showered at 2 o’clock in the afternoon and have absolutely ZERO intention of moving again until both kids are awake.  And even then, it’s debatable if you’ll make it upstairs to get them out of bed in a timely fashion.

Ok so it’s not been that bad… but let me tell you a little story.  As any mother of small children knows, just when you think you’ve got your kid figured out and your routine is in place, they throw you a giant curveball of flaming poop and refuse to nap, or God-forbid STOP CRYING. And you also probably realize that what worked for your first child is about as useful as a Russian textbook on taxidermy in regards to parenting your second child.  Kaden… easy baby, easily plugged up by a pacifier, took 2 long naps a day (sometimes 3), always fell asleep in the car and would stay asleep through my errands or dinner out, etc.  Molly… NOT. SO. MUCH. Can you say “drama?”  No seriously, say it. Outloud.  Because then I won’t feel so alone in my usage of the word “drama” 15 times a day.

Maybe it’s just the difference between boys and girls.  If so, can I just apologize to you now, Mom? 3 girls? You should be canonized, or knighted, or something else really awesome. Or maybe it’s looking back at the infant months with rose-colored glasses.  Either way, Molly is incredibly more high maintenance than Kaden ever was.  Sure, I had bad days with Kaden.  But far too often these days Trey gets a text from me that goes something like this: “I can’t take it anymore. She is driving me crazy! Seriously. For real. I’m not gonna make it till 5 o’clock.”  (Man, I bet he can’t wait to get home on those days…)

Well after a long week of Molly being an overall pain, and preparing to go out of town for a week, I needed to go to Target  (for necessities (like Twizzlers pull and peels) and just for my sanity).  I, of course, thought I had planned it perfectly.  Molly had just eaten, should fall asleep in the car and then either stay asleep through my Target run or enjoy being pushed around and watching Kaden above her in the cart.  Boy was I ever wrong.  My first stop was the dressing room to try on a few shirts and a new nursing bra.  After squeezing the cart into the room and trying on my shirts, Molly decided to completely derail. So, as Molly is crying screaming in her car seat in the cart, Kaden’s inside voice has become flight deck of an aircraft carrier loud as he’s attempting to narrate my every move.

While trying to calmly explain to Kaden that he doesn’t need to add to the noise, I’m frantically undressing to try on the last shirt and then finally the nursing bra.  Now, if it’s not bad enough that I’m having to shop for a bra… it’s a nursing bra.  *Groan*  So there I am… about to try on my bra, Molly’s screaming her head off, and Kaden starts to point and yell, “Mommy’s boobies! Mommy’s boobies! Maaahmeeee’s booooobies!”  Now remember, Molly is screaming, so Kaden thinks that in order to be heard he has to yell louder than Molly.  So I’m sure everyone in the half of the store nearest to the dressing room can hear Kaden screaming “mommy’s boobies.”  Now, if I laugh… Kaden will realize that what he’s saying is funny and will say it louder and more often.  So I don’t laugh. Barely.  Part of me wants to cry b/c I’m so over Molly crying every time she’s in public in her car seat and because I just want to shop for a freaking bra in peace without the entire store knowing about it.

I couldn’t even make eye contact with the dressing room attendant as I handed her back all the clothes that did not fit *double groan* b/c I’m sure she thought I was torturing Molly with my boobies or something weird like that. But I still needed to get Kaden some sandals and a gallon of milk so off we go, screaming baby in tow (don’t make a rhyming joke, it’ll just make it worse).  I let Kaden out of the cart in the shoe section to make sure the sandals fit and he starts to run laps up and down the aisle in his sandals that are attached to each other by an elastic band.  I can see people giving me looks somewhere between compassion and disdain b/c of the noise coming out of Molly and my toddler running with his feet allowed to go no more than 4 inches ahead of each other.

Next, time to get milk.  Kaden is now telling everyone we pass, “Mah-ee not happy.”  Really? Thanks for stating the obvious buddy. After a quick stop down the candy vegetable aisle we head for check out.  Molly is still screaming.  And what do you know? There are two cashiers and about 12 people in line. Blergh! By the grace of God Molly finally finds her thumb and plugs herself up for a few minutes.  We finally get to the front of the line and as I’m loading my stuff on the conveyer belt, Molly decides to scream some more.  I’ve never seen a cashier get so flustered and work so fast to get me out of there! I’m sure she appreciated it when I handed her the empty bag of fruit snacks from the dollar bin that Kaden had been chewing on.

Of course, the second I got the car out of the parking space Molly was asleep. Until we pulled into the garage.  Because that’s how this girl rolls.  So finally, both kids are napping in their cribs. I got to eat some hummus for lunch at 3:00. And I’m hoping Trey comes home tonight after the text I sent him from my lowest point at Target.