On different pages…

Has this happened to any other parents out there??

I walk into the living room to find Kaden teetering on top of the ottoman, dangerously close to falling into the bookshelves, while Trey is poised across the room from him about to nail him with a balloon or ball of some sort.

Me: HEY!?! Kaden! Sit down! TREY?!

Trey: What?

Me: What??? You mean, the sight of Kaden standing on that ottoman ready to take a ball to the face didn’t strike you as the least bit dangerous (or stupid).

Trey: Eh… he’s a boy.

Me: We are also his parents and our job is to at least try to keep our kids from needing to visit the E.R.

Trey: Not it’s not… that’s not in the Bible.

Me: (incredulous silence)

Trey: He’s fine. He’s having fun.

Me: Yeah, until he takes down that side table with his face and takes a lamp to the head.

Trey: Eh… he’s tough. What are the chances of that happening?

Me: I give up. I’m tired of scolding him (and you) today.

Trey: Me too.  That’s why I’m just not.

Anatomy 101

Today while I was trying to get Kaden to go #2 on the potty the following conversation took place:

Kaden: This is hurting my butt (points to penis)… what’s this called? (still pointing to penis)

Me: It’s called a penis buddy.

Kaden: Oh. It’s my penis. You have a penis?

Me: No, buddy.

Kaden: You have a butt in your bottom.

Me: No, girls have a vagina.

Kaden: No… it’s like a gina…

Me: (leaves the bathroom before dying laughing in an attempt to avoid the near constant repetition of the words penis and vagina for the next 4 weeks b/c it made mommy laugh one time)

Bedtime Prayers

One of my favorite times with my 2 year old is when we sit and pray and sing songs in his room right before he goes to bed.  The lights are out, the day is done, and it’s my chance to just soak up his innocence and sweetness since he spends the rest of the day going full speed ahead.  Lately his bedtime prayers are pretty much verbatim as follows: “Dear Dod, tank you for my mommydaddy (one word), my baby sister, my wowipop, my cooookie, tank you for my jeh-wee bean, tank you for my Caillou and Rosie and Caillou’s mommydaddy…”  And then usually lollipop and jelly bean are thrown in again for good measure (even though he most likely did not even have a lollipop, jelly bean, or cookie that day).

Tonight he kept wanting to take turns praying and I figured out in the end that he was trying to remember what I was praying so he could steal it for his prayer… b/c his last prayer before I cut off the bedtime-postponing-prayer marathon was “Dear Dod, tank you for my wonderful son Mommy.”

Other funny moments from tonight’s bedtime:

Me: Alright buddy, let’s sing one more song and then it’s time for bed.

Kaden: Wait a second. Wait. a. second. I got a idea. What’s my idea? (pause) I take a nap.

Me: Uh, no… you are going to bed.  For the night. All night.

Kaden: Uh… take a bath?

Me: Nope. We forgot to do that tonight didn’t we.

Kaden: Ha! Yeah… ote ote ote opples and banonos… hahahaha.

(I wish I could be a fly on the wall of the stream of consciousness going on in his mind.)

Me: Good night buddy. I love you so much.

Kaden: I love you too mommy. I love thiiiis high (arms reaching to the sky).  I love you thiiiiiis fat (arms reaching out to the side).

Me: (puzzled look)… hey, wait a minute.

Overheard through the monitor seconds after leaving him in his bed:  “Ride ’em cowboy! Ride ’em cowboy! Tooo the rescue!”

Oh to be a 2 year old boy… 🙂

2 year old help…

I went upstairs for 2 minutes and Kaden decided Molly needed a “few” more puffs… Like, the entire new container of puffs.

Conversations with Kaden

Actual conversations with my 2 year old (26 months) in the past couple of days:

1.

Me: Good morning buddy, why’d you wake up crying??

Kaden: Cookie Monster eating ME!!!!

(my best guess is he woke up to a nightmare about being eaten by Cookie Monster… he was pretty distraught and it was hard not to laugh!)

2.

Me: (wondering why Kaden is looking at me with a guilty look after picking something up off the floor and now chewing/swallowing) What are you eating buddy?

Kaden: (shoulder shrug)

Me: Kaden! What did you just put in your mouth?

Kaden: A bug.

Me: Seriously? What kind of bug?

Kaden: A worm…

(I still don’t know if I believe him…)

3.

Me: (while changing his diaper this morning) Did you have any good dreams last night?

Kaden: Yes Mommy.

Me: What’d you dream about?

Kaden: Jesus loves me.  🙂

4. My favorite…

Kaden: I love you so much mommy.

Me: I love you too buddy.

Kaden: No, I love you mommy.

Me: Well, I love you more.

Kaden: I love you to the moon.

Me: I love you thiiiiis much.

Kaden: I love you so most! the mostest the mostest….

Me: you win 😉

You know you’re a good Mom when…

your 2 year old tells your 6 month old things like “Knock it off Molly. My toys. Yes Ma’am? Otay Molly? Yes Ma’am?”

you pick up your kids from the gym daycare, and the haggard look on the worker’s faces when they hand your baby back to you is enough to make you reconsider ever stepping foot in there again (if they don’t ban you first).

you let your 2 year old eat popcorn for lunch at Target (and he doesn’t choke and die. Take that Am. Academy of Peds).

while browsing in the shoe section at Target you lose your grip on a pair of boots and the toe of one of them nails your 6 month old in the forehead.

after calming said 6 month old down after the blow to the face, you pinch her arm in the baby bjorn while trying to fasten her back in.

instead of taking her out to comfort her again, you tell your 2 year old to sing her a song and he begins with his best rap rendition of “tinkle tinkle.”

you buy your 2 year old water guns. b/c he’s a boy. and that’s what boys do. they shoot things.

you fill up said water gun after returning home and sit down in the backyard and take a deep breath while holding 6 month old on your lap so she doesn’t wake the neighborhood with her yelling.

you look away for 2 seconds.

you look back to see your 2 year old has launched a full-scale water gun attack on the baby’s face.

you laugh.

you make a PB&J for your 2 year old hoping he’ll eat a few bites of something besides popcorn and while nursing 6 month old on the couch, the 2 year old starts whining that “the fly take my samwich” and you tell him to hurry up and eat it then before the fly gets the rest of it or takes a big fly poop on it.

you collapse on the couch once both kids are sound asleep and you’ve finally showered at 2 o’clock in the afternoon and have absolutely ZERO intention of moving again until both kids are awake.  And even then, it’s debatable if you’ll make it upstairs to get them out of bed in a timely fashion.

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day…

Ok so it’s not been that bad… but let me tell you a little story.  As any mother of small children knows, just when you think you’ve got your kid figured out and your routine is in place, they throw you a giant curveball of flaming poop and refuse to nap, or God-forbid STOP CRYING. And you also probably realize that what worked for your first child is about as useful as a Russian textbook on taxidermy in regards to parenting your second child.  Kaden… easy baby, easily plugged up by a pacifier, took 2 long naps a day (sometimes 3), always fell asleep in the car and would stay asleep through my errands or dinner out, etc.  Molly… NOT. SO. MUCH. Can you say “drama?”  No seriously, say it. Outloud.  Because then I won’t feel so alone in my usage of the word “drama” 15 times a day.

Maybe it’s just the difference between boys and girls.  If so, can I just apologize to you now, Mom? 3 girls? You should be canonized, or knighted, or something else really awesome. Or maybe it’s looking back at the infant months with rose-colored glasses.  Either way, Molly is incredibly more high maintenance than Kaden ever was.  Sure, I had bad days with Kaden.  But far too often these days Trey gets a text from me that goes something like this: “I can’t take it anymore. She is driving me crazy! Seriously. For real. I’m not gonna make it till 5 o’clock.”  (Man, I bet he can’t wait to get home on those days…)

Well after a long week of Molly being an overall pain, and preparing to go out of town for a week, I needed to go to Target  (for necessities (like Twizzlers pull and peels) and just for my sanity).  I, of course, thought I had planned it perfectly.  Molly had just eaten, should fall asleep in the car and then either stay asleep through my Target run or enjoy being pushed around and watching Kaden above her in the cart.  Boy was I ever wrong.  My first stop was the dressing room to try on a few shirts and a new nursing bra.  After squeezing the cart into the room and trying on my shirts, Molly decided to completely derail. So, as Molly is crying screaming in her car seat in the cart, Kaden’s inside voice has become flight deck of an aircraft carrier loud as he’s attempting to narrate my every move.

While trying to calmly explain to Kaden that he doesn’t need to add to the noise, I’m frantically undressing to try on the last shirt and then finally the nursing bra.  Now, if it’s not bad enough that I’m having to shop for a bra… it’s a nursing bra.  *Groan*  So there I am… about to try on my bra, Molly’s screaming her head off, and Kaden starts to point and yell, “Mommy’s boobies! Mommy’s boobies! Maaahmeeee’s booooobies!”  Now remember, Molly is screaming, so Kaden thinks that in order to be heard he has to yell louder than Molly.  So I’m sure everyone in the half of the store nearest to the dressing room can hear Kaden screaming “mommy’s boobies.”  Now, if I laugh… Kaden will realize that what he’s saying is funny and will say it louder and more often.  So I don’t laugh. Barely.  Part of me wants to cry b/c I’m so over Molly crying every time she’s in public in her car seat and because I just want to shop for a freaking bra in peace without the entire store knowing about it.

I couldn’t even make eye contact with the dressing room attendant as I handed her back all the clothes that did not fit *double groan* b/c I’m sure she thought I was torturing Molly with my boobies or something weird like that. But I still needed to get Kaden some sandals and a gallon of milk so off we go, screaming baby in tow (don’t make a rhyming joke, it’ll just make it worse).  I let Kaden out of the cart in the shoe section to make sure the sandals fit and he starts to run laps up and down the aisle in his sandals that are attached to each other by an elastic band.  I can see people giving me looks somewhere between compassion and disdain b/c of the noise coming out of Molly and my toddler running with his feet allowed to go no more than 4 inches ahead of each other.

Next, time to get milk.  Kaden is now telling everyone we pass, “Mah-ee not happy.”  Really? Thanks for stating the obvious buddy. After a quick stop down the candy vegetable aisle we head for check out.  Molly is still screaming.  And what do you know? There are two cashiers and about 12 people in line. Blergh! By the grace of God Molly finally finds her thumb and plugs herself up for a few minutes.  We finally get to the front of the line and as I’m loading my stuff on the conveyer belt, Molly decides to scream some more.  I’ve never seen a cashier get so flustered and work so fast to get me out of there! I’m sure she appreciated it when I handed her the empty bag of fruit snacks from the dollar bin that Kaden had been chewing on.

Of course, the second I got the car out of the parking space Molly was asleep. Until we pulled into the garage.  Because that’s how this girl rolls.  So finally, both kids are napping in their cribs. I got to eat some hummus for lunch at 3:00. And I’m hoping Trey comes home tonight after the text I sent him from my lowest point at Target.

Parenthood makes me… question.

(Part 3/5 in a series on Parenthood.  If you missed parts 1 and 2 you can read about why Parenthood makes me… laugh HERE and why it makes me cry HERE.)

You never know how much you do not know about parenting until you are a parent.  (And news flash, your parents probably had no idea what they were doing either…)  There have been several times I have questioned myself and my parenting ability/style over the past almost two years.

I have questioned how to teach Kaden to obey the word “No” while also teaching him he’s not allowed to tell me “no” even though he hears it 50 times a day.  We have also learned, as a result of this issue, that it’s not fair to ask him a question if the answer is not allowed to be “no.”  For example, “Kaden, do you want to go take a nap?”  Kaden: “No” (sounds like “naooouuuu”)  Me: “Son! Don’t you dare tell me no. You have no idea how lucky you are that you get to take a nap every day you ungrateful little”…. (awkward silence?)  Kidding…  Now we just say, Kaden it’s nap time, which doesn’t require a yes or no answer.  However, it’s hard to resist extending bed time or forcing another bite of dinner down his throat when we tell him to do something and he cocks his head to the side and says, “No thank you Mama” (no tyoo tyoo).  He plays me like a fiddle sometimes.

I have questioned how to raise a loving, well-adjusted child who doesn’t hit others even though when he’s disobedient he gets the occasional age-appropriate spanking.  We do believe that if you “spare the rod, you spoil the child;” however, I do think it’s a bit confusing at this age for him (although he understands not to do whatever warranted the spanking).  These days, Kaden will test the boundaries in this regard every once in a while by tapping me on the leg or some other body part and then watching for my reaction.  As soon as he sees my eyebrows arch, he quickly throws out the “sah-wee mama.”  And then takes out the rest of his aggressions on the dog (which we ignore).  Kidding. Sort of.

I have questioned oh-so-many times whether or not to take my kids to the doctor when they aren’t feeling well.  I know every mother goes through this… how long do you have to wipe a green, snotty nose before the infection has turned into something that needs antibiotics?  How high does the fever have to get before you need to get to the doctor?  How bad does that rash need to look before we go get it looked at?  How many nights in a row do you deal with a child waking up every couple of hours before you attribute it to some medical issue that needs diagnosing other than teething?  But I swear to you… every time (except once) that I have followed my “mother’s intuition” and taken Kaden to the doctor for some major fever, nasty cold, overall pain-in-the-butt demeanor, etc… the findings are: “it’s probably just a viral infection.  Give him motrin or tylenol as needed and lots of TLC for the next 2-4 days. Thanks so much for your co-pay (suckers)!”  And the one time I put up with the runny nose, whining, crappy sleeping, and rash around the mouth that I blamed on the changing weather, a new baby sister coming home from the hospital, daylight savings confusion, and drool from teething… turns out he had a double ear infection, strep throat, and impetigo around his mouth.  Let me just tell you, when that diagnosis came out of the doctor’s mouth I wanted to crawl into a hole with my mother-of-the-year sash and die.

I have questioned how much TV is too much.  If you read about this in parenting books and magazines, they’ll tell you any TV is too much and that your child needs social interaction to learn, not cartoons.  And I get it… I really do.  However, when I’m exhausted and have a baby attached to me or want to drink my cup of coffee in peace or can’t think of any more random games to play or can’t take one more reading of Go Dog Go (the longest, most ridiculous book in the history of kids books- No I DO NOT like your hat!!!!!)… fine, hand me the “mote” and I’ll turn on one of the 50 DVR’ed episodes of “diensteins” (Little Einsteins) or “Supah Why” if you’ll just sit down and be quiet for 20 minutes.  And I may or may not allow this a couple several times a day.  Especially on a rainy, cold day. Some days the TV is the only thing that keeps me from killing somebody, if we’re being totally honest. Which we are, right?

I have also questioned how to parent my child around other children who aren’t being parented in the same ways… for example, how do I teach Kaden it’s never ok to play in the street, if the kid he was playing with is allowed to? How do I teach Kaden he can’t get out of his high chair at dinner if the other kid at our table or some other table is allowed to get up? How do I teach him he has to share without making him be a pushover and letting some other kid repeatedly take toys away from him since the other parent doesn’t seem to be paying attention (or doesn’t seem to think sharing and not stealing things from others is an important lesson to learn).  I know this will only get more challenging as Kaden and Molly get older and their friends have more influence on their lives than Trey and I…

Overall, I’m two years into parenthood… and honestly, on a daily basis I question how I’m doing.  I don’t have a supervisor or boss who evaluates my work or critiques/praises how I’m doing (which I’m not complaining about, but still…).  So much of it is just making split second decisions, following your gut, and choosing your battles…and praying your kid turns out to be a kind, hard-working, contributing member of society and not some lazy, self-centered, drug-addicted chump.  Lord, help me…

Parenthood makes me… cry.

(Part 2/5 in a series on Parenthood.  If you missed part 1 you can read about why Parenthood makes me… laugh HERE.)

Over the past almost 2 years, I have cried many, many times.  I blame it on a mix of hormones, exhaustion, and a new well of emotion I think you tap into when you become a Mom; but the tears come easy for many reasons these days.

I’ve cried while driving my car on the freeway with the windows down because I can’t take one. more. minute. of that inconsolably screaming baby in the back seat.  So if you’re gonna scream, so am I.

I’ve cried when it’s the second, ok, third day in a row I haven’t been able to find the time to take a shower and put on an actual outfit.

I’ve cried when Kaden hugs my neck, gives me a “tiss,” and tells me he “wuvs” me of his own accord.

I’ve cried… no, this one was a yell, more than a cry… when Molly had been screaming on the couch forEVER and Kaden was whining through his lunch and started screaming b/c he bit his tongue and all I could do in that moment was stand between the living room and kitchen and yell at the ceiling.  At nothing.  At everything.  At my own lack of patience and presence of mind. And then I cried, really cried, out to God begging for forgiveness for the way I just yelled at my children and pleading with Him for the strength and wisdom to do better by them.

I’ve cried about the blessing it is that Kaden and Molly get to grow up near all four of their grandparents.  I grew up seeing my grandparents for a week or so in the summer and every once in a while for Christmas or Thanksgiving.  So when I turn the corner onto the street my parents neighborhood is on and Kaden yells out “Dampa’s house!!!!!” because he knows he’s almost there and can watch “gawf” with Dampa, I can’t help but shed a tear of gratitude and joy that Nama and Dampa and Nana and Pops are so close by and wonderful.

I’ve cried watching the way Trey loves our kids.  Sometimes all it takes is a shared look after one of them does something funny, sweet, ornery, etc. and the tenderness I can see in his eyes towards his children is enough to make any girl melt into a puddle of tears.  “No, Trey.  I am not crying.  There is something in my eye. Do you know how much dust is in this house!?”  (And p.s…. tenderness can be very manly.)

I’ve cried at the look shared between a little boy and his baby sister as he holds her (sort of…) on the couch one of 17 times in a given day.  Because I can’t resist “mama, a hold moll a sec??”

See above 🙂

I’ve cried when allowing myself to worry about what could happen to one of them.  Injuries.  Illness. Freak Accidents.  Death.  The thought of losing one of my kids… just the thought of living the rest of my life without one of them makes me weep.

I’ve cried when nap time is cut incredibly short because of construction across the street, or a bad dream, or a snotty nose… and the blissful quiet of the afternoon is a big fat goner.

I’ve cried time and again at the thought that the love I feel towards Kaden and Molly, the “I’d do anything, including die for you” kind of love, is NOTHING compared to how much the God of the Universe loves me and wants me to know and love Him back.

I’ve cried listening to Kaden muddle through the words of “Jesus Loves Me” because what he doesn’t know yet is that Jesus really does love him.  So much so that He did die for him.  And I will do everything in my power to ensure that one day he and Molly will sing “Jesus Loves Me” and believe every word to the very core of their beings.

I mean... come on!

Parenthood makes me… laugh.

Part 1/5 in a series on Parenthood.

If you aren’t watching Parenthood on Tuesday nights, you are either crazy or don’t know what you’re missing.  I often wish I was part of the Braverman family (even though I’m already blessed to be a part of two awesome families). But seriously, every week that show makes me laugh, cry, question my parenting, think about what the future holds with my children, and wish there were just a few more minutes of the show to enjoy.  Today I got to thinking, you know, that’s kind of like parenthood in reality.  So in the interest of forcing myself to write more, reflecting on the joys and pains of my “job” as a parent, and allowing myself to get all sentimental on you and record some memories for posterity’s sake…. here’s part one of a mini-series on Parenthood. Stay tuned for parts 2-5 throughout the week… if today doesn’t bore you to tears.  😉

Parenthood makes me laugh.

Scratch that, Kaden and Molly make me laugh.  Every day.  I get to laugh at the way he dances with only one side of his body so he ends up turning in circles b/c the need to wave that right arm through the air and stomp that right foot to the music can not be ignored and propels him around and around and around.  And the boy is not content to dance unless he has an audience so the half-bodied dancing commences after I give in to the 5th “wook mama!” and humor him by watching and offering up a half-hearted “awesome buddy.”  I laugh when Molly sneezes and farts at the same time and then smiles at me like she knows what she just did was hilarious. However, I do not laugh when said fart was actually a shart that shot up her back and now it’s outfit change #3 for the day.  I can’t help but laugh when Molly giggles at me and all I can think is, “holy cow your cheeks are huge.”  And then I laugh harder when I realize I said it out loud b/c Kaden is now saying “holy tao moll” on repeat.

I’m forced to laugh whenever Kaden sneak attacks me on the floor with “a tickle mama” and shakes his fingers near my body without ever actually touching, nor tickling me.  And then proceeds to “a tickle” everyone in the room in turn, including Millie.  I laugh with an eye roll thrown in when I tell Kaden to whisper as we go by Molly’s room during nap time and he repeats “whisper” in a soft voice, followed by “a Moll a seep!” at about 100 decibels.  I try so hard not to, but it’s all I can do to not laugh when Kaden tells me “NO” and then realizes he just screwed up so he starts pretending like he was singing ‘hide it under a bushel, NO!‘ before I’ve even said a word. I laugh when Kaden sees the bears on the feet of his footed pajamas and lifts one leg with a vicious “rawr!” and then bends at the waist, hangs his head, puts his hands on his knees, and laughs like an old man complete with over-exaggerated shoulder shrugs.

I laugh when Kaden plasters himself against the kitchen wall and yells “ready, set, Doh” and runs as fast as he can at me across the kitchen b/c he knows I’ll catch him and throw him in the air.  And oh man do I wish I could freeze those moments in time and hold onto them forever.  The sound of his laugh and the way his hips sway back and forth and his feet kick out to the sides as he sprints back to do it all over again (think Phoebe Buffay), the way Millie dances around our feet b/c she wants in on the action, the way Molly’s eyes sparkle from the floor as she watches intently and her spastic arms and legs dance out of control in response. The fact that he knows, no matter what, I will catch him and will not let him fall.  Because, sadly… I can’t protect him from falling forever.  And heartbreakingly, he won’t always run into my arms unabashedly.

It’s funny, this parenthood thing… My kids are the reason I left the house for an hour today for a rare (and oh-so-coveted) trip to Starbucks to write and drink a cup of coffee uninterrupted… yet here I am, and all I can think about and write about are those darn kids.  And I can’t even type that without wiping the tears off my face.  And laughing.  At myself.